Slow-motion reaction shots: The Fellowship of the Ring is a goofy fucking movie

I decided to take another DVD off the pile of movies the homeowners left here, and this time it was The Fellowship of the Ring. This time I'm going to watch it with a mature critical eye; a fair, even-handed approach.

But all I can tell you is that this is one goofy movie. I think this is a result of turning what isn't an action-adventure film into one. Whether or not this is about respecting the source-material, the pitfalls of shoehorning the story into a PG-13 action film is that you get far too many battle sequences; a host of unnecessary suspense building plot points (will Frodo die? No. . . we're only halfway through the film. And yet we have to watch Arwen be totally bummed that it looks like he is dead. And then again when he gets speared in the caves: what feels like 3 minutes of everyone looking really concerned. In Slow-Motion.); bad jokes-- ack, quips, even!; weird and corny voiceover and fades; oddly amateurish special effects in the Mirror of Galadriel scene. . . the list goes on. It is a film that should have been a bit more measured, a lot calmer, and unafraid to pace itself; I think taking its time in a narrative sense (it's plenty long) would have packed a harder punch. Time gets compressed significantly so that events tumble in on the heels of one another, as though the filmmakers decided the audience would never believe that any of this could happen over a month rather than twelve hours.

What's good about these films? The sets are stunning, particularly the art nouveau-influenced Rivendell. Howard Shore's score is brilliant. It packs a higher emotional punch than any of the soft-lit, sappy this-and-that the script requires from the actors. The casting is great in general.

But for the most part, it is a silly film. Sure, the source material is a bit silly if you take a couple of very large steps back and forget that you ever had an imagination. But it isn't silly like this. Pod orcs and OKAY because seriously, guys, there is like an extra 15 minutes of Cont Dooku and Gandalf having some sort of completely misguided breakdance/Jedi/old guy beatdown. There is no way to watch it without wincing. The audience doesn't need those sort of hijinks to understand that Saruman and Gandalf are badass. They can tell. They are played by Christopher Lee and Magneto. They wear robes. Long beards. Big sticks. We got it. Also, I don't have the book in front of me, but I'm pretty sure that the passage doesn't read "And then Cthulhu ATE THEM ALL." Because that's what The Watcher looks like, something crossed between Lovecraft and the Sarlacc Pit. Sometimes less is more, and the more left to the imagination, the more the movie makers trust the audience, the better.

Also, somebody should let PBS know that they're already culturally relevant

I went to Red Lobster for the first time today. I'm a red-blooded American and this is the first time. I was totally taken in by their 4 courses for $15 (still a little pricey, but I've spread out the leftovers over 2 meals.) It wasn't half-bad. It wasn't fabulous. Oh, but the biscuits were. Jeeze.

We don't have a TV at home because J. cannot be in a room with one without watching it. I'm not exaggerating. He also watches horrible things. When I was in labor, he watched a special on killer chimps. KILLER CHIMPS. And then a program on obese pets. In fairness, the majority of the stations were in Korean or Armenian. But still. Obese pets. When you're in labor, you're kind of just like Yes, just get something up there to distract me. Now, after the fact, I'm still like. . . what?

The house we're renting has a TV and rabbit ears that get about 11 channels? ABC, NBC, Fox, the local public station, some other things, some TV Land type thing that was showing Green Acres the other day. Antique Roadshow is on a lot. Some woman had $200,000 worth of Mickey Mantle pre-fame paychecks. Tonight, we're watching a special on the natural landscape of the Balkans. One interesting thing: mines in bodies of water have had the effect of protecting wildlife because nobody wants to get near them. Also, cute baby wild boars and stupid cute baby duck things riding on the duck thing parents' backs. Yeah, aw. I'm getting one for my kid. (Just learned it is a great crested grebe and YOU SHOULD WATCH IT it's stupid.)

(Here's a good time to point out that even if you find yourself a mother & wife at 23, you still spend the evenings, apparently, sitting around watching PBS. Not doing what those MTVs tell you young mothers do.)

Okay, so the shots are beautiful and they've found some delightful footage of lovely otters and also of, um, vultures tearing up a wolf carcass. What I can't figure out, and what's distracting J. from his Latin studies, is the constant references to the Lord of the Rings. I think it's come up at least once every three minutes. The sedate yet charmed-by-the-biodiversity British narrator has name-dropped elves, hobbits, the Shire, Gandalf on a steed (to compare the necessity of taking a plane to reach certain areas), orcs, dragons. Stuff like, these woods could be FILLED WITH ELVES but they're not, here are some birds though. Or, this is live blogged "An army of attacking orcs would be preferable to the bites of these mosquitoes."

I figure that the program is trying to cash in on interest generated by the films, but it feels like they're trying to make the Balkans culturally relevant. Which is kind of. . . they are, guys! Don't worry! My conspiracy theory is that this was made by the Bosnian tourism board to get Peter Jackson, or whoever the heck is directing that Hobbit movie that will never get made, to film in this area. And they're not being subtle about it. (Their conclusion is that despite the troubles the Balkans have historically had, THEY'RE NOT MORDOR OKAY GUYS. They really said that.)

OH UPDATE GUYS: I found the site about it ("Surveying these striking and stark landscapes, one might think they’ve ventured into the Middle-earth of J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings"), and nobody is too stoked about the constant Tolkien shout-outs. I still think the Come to Bosnia, Have a Great Time Board had something to do with it, though. You can watch the full episode on PBS & see how I'm right.