Slow-motion reaction shots: The Fellowship of the Ring is a goofy fucking movie

I decided to take another DVD off the pile of movies the homeowners left here, and this time it was The Fellowship of the Ring. This time I'm going to watch it with a mature critical eye; a fair, even-handed approach.

But all I can tell you is that this is one goofy movie. I think this is a result of turning what isn't an action-adventure film into one. Whether or not this is about respecting the source-material, the pitfalls of shoehorning the story into a PG-13 action film is that you get far too many battle sequences; a host of unnecessary suspense building plot points (will Frodo die? No. . . we're only halfway through the film. And yet we have to watch Arwen be totally bummed that it looks like he is dead. And then again when he gets speared in the caves: what feels like 3 minutes of everyone looking really concerned. In Slow-Motion.); bad jokes-- ack, quips, even!; weird and corny voiceover and fades; oddly amateurish special effects in the Mirror of Galadriel scene. . . the list goes on. It is a film that should have been a bit more measured, a lot calmer, and unafraid to pace itself; I think taking its time in a narrative sense (it's plenty long) would have packed a harder punch. Time gets compressed significantly so that events tumble in on the heels of one another, as though the filmmakers decided the audience would never believe that any of this could happen over a month rather than twelve hours.

What's good about these films? The sets are stunning, particularly the art nouveau-influenced Rivendell. Howard Shore's score is brilliant. It packs a higher emotional punch than any of the soft-lit, sappy this-and-that the script requires from the actors. The casting is great in general.

But for the most part, it is a silly film. Sure, the source material is a bit silly if you take a couple of very large steps back and forget that you ever had an imagination. But it isn't silly like this. Pod orcs and OKAY because seriously, guys, there is like an extra 15 minutes of Cont Dooku and Gandalf having some sort of completely misguided breakdance/Jedi/old guy beatdown. There is no way to watch it without wincing. The audience doesn't need those sort of hijinks to understand that Saruman and Gandalf are badass. They can tell. They are played by Christopher Lee and Magneto. They wear robes. Long beards. Big sticks. We got it. Also, I don't have the book in front of me, but I'm pretty sure that the passage doesn't read "And then Cthulhu ATE THEM ALL." Because that's what The Watcher looks like, something crossed between Lovecraft and the Sarlacc Pit. Sometimes less is more, and the more left to the imagination, the more the movie makers trust the audience, the better.